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National Minimum Biscuit Rate Act 1998

National Minimum Biscuit Rate Act 1998 (as amended 1st October 2013)

INTRODUCTION

The purpose of this Act is to ensure that all Dogs receive, as a minimum, the National Minimum Biscuit Rate for work undertaken.

CHAPTER 1

Definitions (to include the plural)

Dog                 The species of domesticated carnivorous mammal (canis familiaris) and shall include both the male (dog) and female (bitch) of the species.

Biscuit             Baked cereal based foodstuffs complying with the Statutory Minimum Biscuit Size Regulations.

Human            A member of the genus Homo Sapiens (although some of you lot hardly qualify).

Smaller Dogs  Dogs about the size of West Highland Terriers and below (although unlikely to do much work)

Work               Such activities required to be undertaken by the Dog by Humans over and above those instinctive to the Dog (dependant on breed) and undertaken purely for the Dog’s own pleasure.

CHAPTER 2

Requirements under the Act

1        A Dog that qualifies for the National Minimum Biscuit Rate shall be remunerated for any Work undertaken at a rate not less than the National Minimum Biscuit Rate, save that the rate may pro-rated for different sizes of Dogs, so really small Dogs like Chiwawas get less Biscuits than really big Dogs like Great Danes.

2        Dogs qualify for the National Minimum Biscuit Rate if:

2.1     They are old enough,

2.2     They work in the UK and

2.3     They are not really lazy like English Bulldogs

2        The National Minimum Biscuit rate shall be calculated on an hourly basis and may include fractions or percentages of Biscuits where it is possible to break the Biscuit. If it is not possible to break the biscuit then the total number of Biscuits receivable over a twenty-four hour period can be rounded up to the nearest Biscuit on a daily basis.

Age requirements

3        Puppies do not qualify for the National Minimum Biscuit Rate

4        Puppies are Dogs under one year of age. However, such Dogs should not be denied little biscuits if they are able to eat them. Little biscuits are available for Puppies from shops.

Woking in the UK

5        Dogs must be resident in the UK to take advantage of this Act.

6        Dogs visiting from other Countries may take advantage of this Act as long as those countries are member of the European Union.

7        If a UK dog works outside the UK then Dogs should agree an ‘Out of Country’ biscuit allowance or take advantage of whatever minimum biscuit rate is available in that country.

Lazy and fat dogs

8        Really lazy Dogs should not get any biscuits.

9        It is possible under this Act to deny a Dog the National Minimum Biscuit Rate on medical grounds if they are really fat. Vets are allowed to say, “that dog’s really fat and shouldn’t get any biscuits until they’ve slimmed down a bit” or owners should use their common sense (that’ll be interesting!).

10      Dogs that do not eat their Biscuits properly, for instance break them up all over the carpet, should be given their Biscuits outside or on wooden or tiled floors so that it is easy to vacuum or sweep up the broken bits.

CHAPTER 3

Definition of Work

11      Work shall be defined in a number of ways:

11.1   Structured work – Work undertaken by professional dogs such as Police dogs or sniffer dogs.

11.2   Household work – Fetching and carrying, walking to school to collect the children, guarding etc.

11.3   Social Work – listening to Humans moan about things, being cuddled, keeping the bed warm etc.

CHAPTER 4

Biscuit Rate and pro-rating

12      The National Minimum Biscuit Rate shall be decided each October

13      The current Rate (from 1st October 2013) is:

13.1   6.31 Biscuits per hour for mature dogs working full or part-time.

13.2   5.03 Biscuits per hour for nearly mature dogs that are not puppies.

13.3   2.68 Biscuits per hour for Dogs at obedience classes (to include time spent attending such classes).

14      The Rate shall be pro-rated for smaller dogs at 50%

CHAPTER 5

Deductions from the National Minimum Biscuit Rate

15      There shall be no deductions from the National Minimum Biscuit Rate unless authorised by this section.

16      The only deduction currently allowed is for kennelling at the rate of:

16.1   4.91 Biscuits per day, or

16.2   34.37 Biscuits per week.

17      Kennelling does not include sleeping in a basket in any part of the house or property. This is a benefit in kind and whilst may be taxable by HMRC cannot be off-set against the National Minimum Biscuit Rate.

18      The receipt of Biscuits under the Act does not preclude a claim for tax by HMRC

CHAPTER 6

Biscuit sizing and alternatives

19      The standard Biscuit size shall be that of a Winalot (Spillers) Shapes (invented in 1907)

20      Other Biscuits should not be less than 20mm X 20mm.

21      Larger Biscuits (for example Bonios) shall be considered to be multiples of a Biscuit and divided at the rate of paragraph 20 above.

22      Other treats, chews, Jumbones, hide shoes etc. shall count towards the National Minimum Biscuit Rate.

23      Homemade Biscuits may be substituted.

CHAPTER 7

Enforcement

23      Humans failing to pay the National Minimum biscuit rate shall be forced to go to their local supermarket, convenience store, petfood supplier or other retail establishment to purchase Biscuits of sufficient quality.

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