Dogquality Act 2010
The purpose of this Act is to promote equality both between dogs and dog and other pets and to embrace diversity without discrimination (or some rubbish like that).
Definition of Dog, Breed and protections afforded under this Act
1 Dog (Dogs) shall be defined as the species of domesticated carnivorous mammal (canis familiaris) and shall include both the male (dog) and female (bitch) of the species. This shall include Dogs that do not normally have the characteristics of Dogs to include Bischon Frieses and Dogs that have the appearance of rugs.
2 Breed shall denote the range of sub division of the species into distinct breed types and also mixed breeds. Mixed breeds may go by other names, designations or appelations, but are basically mongrels or Heinz 57s. Poodledors or Labradoodles are mixed breed, whatever anyone says.
3 No Dog may not be discriminated against on the grounds of their Species or Breed, unless they really deserve it because they look stupid. Each Dog may have a number of Protected Characteristics giving them protection under this Act.
4 The Protected Characteristics are:
4.1 Breed – this includes all (so called) pedigree breeds, Dogs of mixed breed or parentage and Dogs that are difficult to even categorise as dogs, such as those with no hair that look like cats.
4.2 Size – to include those dirty great big dogs that look like ponies and the really small ones that might be rats.
4.3 Sex or gender – doesn’t matter if you are a boy or girl or if you have had your bits chopped off.
4.4 Colour – there shall be no discrimination on grounds of fur colour. As a rule of thumb those with black fur should live in houses with dark carpets and those with light fur, visa versa.
4.5 Age – should make no difference apart from teaching new tricks to Dogs of a certain age.
4.6 Intelligence – really stupid dogs (like Afghans and Chows), need as much protection as really intelligent Dogs like Labradors.
4.7 Owners – you should not be discriminated against because you’ve got really stupid owners or they put a coat on you or something.
Protection against discrimination
It shall be an offence:
5 to directly discriminate on the grounds of being a Dog. Therefore if Cats are allowed to get on the bed, then Dogs must be allowed to do so.
6 to indirectly discriminate on the grounds of being a Dog. Such examples would be to only allow access to the kitchen via the stupid cat-sized flap in the door.
7 to harass a Dog, for example to mess with their minds by pretending to throw a ball or putting up pictures of Horses near feeding bowls.
8 to directly discriminate on the grounds of Breed. Therefore, if toy breeds are allowed to be fed all day from little tins of Caesar, then Great Danes must be afforded the same rights.
9 to indirectly discriminate on grounds of Breed. Any stipulation that Dogs must have cute fluffy tails will exclude all normal Dogs with proper tails like Labradors.
10 to harass a dog on grounds of Breed. Expressions such as “you’re a right Basset” will be outlawed, unless, of course, you are a Basset Hound.
Dogs in premises
11 Dogs should be allowed in all premises unless there is a really good reason for them not being there. The following are not good reasons:
11.1 This is the butchers. Dogs and butchers and sausages are synonymous and have been since the dawn of Dog time.
11.2 This is a restaurant. All well behaved dogs should be allowed into restaurants, like they do in France, but they should not be allowed to sit on laps like those little fluffy Poodles do.
11.3 This is a pub. All pubs should allow Dogs as long as they do not run around (too much). Publicans or other such persons being in control of the premises should have a supply of dog biscuits (or in the absence of biscuits, such other treats as are appropriate) behind the bar.
Transport, private and public
12 All Dogs should be allowed on buses, trains, ferries and in taxis as long as they are those seven seater ones or there is enough space to lie down properly.
13 Public transport operatives may stipulate that Dogs may not sit on seats (a bit of a concession, okay!)
14 Dogs may be required to have a ticket bought for them. However, if in a tourist area, Dogs need not be subjected to having their photographs taken with the ticket.
15 Dogs shall be allowed to stick their heads out of any moving vehicle.
16 No Dog, of any breed (even clever ones) may drive any vehicle, unless with a supervising human and on a lead at all times. This is for the Dog’s own safety.
17 All farm quadbikes shall be accompanied by a Collie at all times. This is a piece of positive discrimination as without this stipulation Collies may not be allowed to travel in any vehicle as they are mad.
18 It shall be incumbent upon all persons to provide adequate facilities for Dogs and to make such adjustments as to allow Dogs to participate in all aspects of day to day life. Such reasonable adjustments may include (by way of example):
18.1 the provision of ramps to allow old Dogs to get onto a high bed
18.2 easy to open doors so Dogs can get into the kitchen, save for those kitchens in premises where the Environmental Health Inspector might arrive for a surprise visit.
Employment, training and exercise
19 An owner, handler or employer must not discriminate against any Dog in:
19.1 the provisions made in offering work or task to a Dog, save for the fact that that dog must have the intellectual ability or physical attributes to undertake the task or be afforded the opportunity to learn. Thus:
19.1.1 it would be appropriate to allow a German Shepherd to become a sniffer dog but,
19.1.2 it would not be appropriate to allow a Pekinese to become a police dog (for obvious reasons).
19.2 providing opportunities for training. All Dogs should allowed the opportunity to be taken to obedience classes and training, save for really stupid ones like Basenjis (whatever one of those is).
19.3 allowing appropriate exercise. All Dogs should have really nice walks (except when it is really rainy, unless the Dog likes it really rainy).
Religion and belief and freedom of expression
20 A Dog may believe what it wants. This may include:
20.1 its tail is worth chasing
20.2 it is chasing a rabbit in a dream, even if the Dog has never seen a rabbit
20.3 it is dinner time, especially if a Labrador
21 A Dog my express itself in any way appropriate for a Dog. This can include:
21.1 barking for any reason or no reason
21.2 licking private parts
21.3 running around manically.
22 An owner, handler or other human will commit an offence by not adhering to any of the provisions of this legislation.
23 An owner, handler or other human committing an offence can be barked at or ignored. Actions such as weeing on the carpet or chewing shoes should only be used in very serious cases.
24 Biting is not an option unless in self-defence.